Black Bear Lodge

Another closed bar. Their website says they are hoping to reopen when they find a new location. I wouldn't bet on it though. If you find a new spot why use the old name? It wasn't exactly the 40/40 Club. Let's get to it.

Carpets. Oh lord, here we go again with the carpets. Does this work anywhere? What is underneath here that is so much worse? Pentagrams. Of course. They roll back the rugs after hours and this is where satanic rituals are held. I was conceived during a satanic ritual. Maybe that's why I feel so at home in these places.

Shitty television. Carpets and shitty TV's go together like peanut butter and jelly. I actually hate jelly. You get the point though. Some things are forever linked. Entwined. Twisting their way to the floor where they bang like animals. Which one is the lady? Carpets or shitty TV's? Trick question. They're both ladies.

There was a back area with wood tables. It was probably good if you are in a group. I was there with only two other people though so we didn't go back there. We met at midnight. One of the reasons I like NY is because you can meet at midnight and still have 4 full hours of bar time. Some people work late. What are they supposed to do wait until the weekend? This is America. Nobody should ever have to wait until the weekend.

$10 buckets. This is why we came. It was PBR. They were really cold. Cold cans of beer. No food at all. I do like food at the bar. Even if it's just some fries. If you are there long enough you are going to need something to eat. There is a 7 Eleven across the street. You could have gotten some cheap hot dogs or taquitos there. Buy some smokes too. Just make it a trashy night. Go for it.

One day while driving a cab I picked up two people leaving Bull's Head, a bar across the street from Black Bear. It was sometime between 4:30 and 5:00 AM. They were both hammered. Hammered people love to talk. They guy got out a few blocks away. The girl was staying until Astoria though. She wanted to chat and she was way cute. She was from Louisiana and she moved up here to be an actress. Of course. She was a bartender though. Just finishing her shift. The guy was a regular and she gave him a ride home since he spent so much money at the bar. Heart of gold. I'm in love now.

She asked if I've ever been to the bar before and I said no. I had  been to a bar across the street though that I really liked and it closed. She practically jumped out of her seat and asked the name of it. I told her Black Bear Lodge and she said that used to be her place. She was the regular bartender there. She told me the whole story about their lease problems. The owners have a few other places around the city. Including Bull's Head. So they gave her a job there. She missed Black Bear though. We all do. So if you're at Bull's Head and your bartender is a cute blonde girl from Louisiana tip her well. She might give you a lift home.

70/100

Common Ground

Sometimes when you get drunk you get emotional. My night at Common Ground ended with a failed Irish goodbye. Followed by walking around the East Village with a homeless guy begging for change. Resigned to living the rest of my life in Tompkins Square Park. Then I saved it by eating a knish at Katz. Then it all went to shit again because I had to wait so long for my subway home. At night Brooklyn bound trains run on the tears of hipsters. An inefficient fuel. Its so hard to fish tears out of beards.


There are books here. Why? This isn't the time or the place to read Moby Dick. Really. I love to read but it's dark. Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. And inside Common Ground. 


I've noticed books at other places too. I guess to make us feel like we are drinking cognac in our study. It's an illusion ruined by how much urine is on the floor of the bathroom. Especially after I'm done in there. Yes. I'm that guy. I'll lock the door and helicopter it. 


They had some kind of 2 for 1 deal on food. Nobody wanted to eat though so I got nuts. Just regular nuts. Paid 4 bucks for them. Which is kind of shitty. Didn't bars used to have free nuts? Is that just a movie thing? God I'd love that. If you know a place that has them let me know. 



Happy hour was $2 beers. Yuengling. $2 is great for the city. Unlike 3rd and Long these beers are pints. However 3rd and Long goes all night. So I guess I'd rather do 3rd and Long still if it's just about cheap beer. 



They have board games here which is fun. We played one. I sucked but whatever. Nothing wrong with board games. Cool couches. This is a good place to come with a small group. I don't know if you can do a board game with just two people. Maybe Connect Four? Guess Who? Battleship. Ok, there are a lot of games. Those games suck though. So like I said, small group. Get wrecked. Convince somebody to get food. Play a game. And then after there is a karoake place across the street. If that's your thing. 


PROS
Cheap happy hour
Board games
Lots of seasonal decorations


CONS
None really. Kind of blah.


70/100

Russian Vodka Room

Some memories no matter how good make you sick to think about. Things change. My time here was awesome and it comes up often. Even though it upsets me. My eager excitement to return is mixed with a healthy dose of dread and remorse. Confused you are. Sorry about that I am. These waters run deep.

Vodka comes from potatoes. And gin comes from vodka. But they aren't the same. I love vodka but gin is one of the few things I'd rather not drink. In fact I only know two people who liked gin. Joe is one. The other. Well. He doesn't drink it anymore.

Vodka doesn't freeze until 17 below. Making it colder than ice. Pretty bad ass move, Vodka.  I keep two bottles in my freezer. A cheap one and an expensive one. I have a favorite drink I make with it. It's called a DIG. For "Dad, I'm Gay." Don't freak and call that homophobic. Escape From Park Slope is a blog promoting tolerance of all people. It's just not the cliche manly drink.

Here's the recipe. It's really easy. Pint glass. Fill it with ice. Straw of course. Fill it half with orange vodka and half with diet Sprite. Coat the rim with semen. No, I'm kidding about the semen! That's it.

So what's the place like? It's small. Dark. Very authentic Russian. Don't expect french fries on the menu. Don't expect anything other than vodka. They have their own. Jars of it all over. Infused with different flavors. Happy hour is 4-7. And the shots are $3. Now I remember why I had such a good time. There is a piano too but when I was there it didn't get played. If I return here I could bang out something off my bucket list.

PROS
Cheap, good vodka
Fun atmosphere

CONS
Gets crowded
Probably expensive once happy hour is over
Food might be too different for most people

80/100

Bucket List

A break from the regularly scheduled programming.

I had been thinking about bucket lists. Then two of my favorite shows referenced them on TV. So I was planning on writing one and sending it out in an e-mail. However, I thought that might scare the shit out of everybody I'm e-mailing. Is Jim dying? Did he send me this because he wants me to do this stuff with him? No. I actually went to the doctor recently and he told me I'm in perfect health. It's just something fun I'm thinking about. So here's what I got. Not a complete list. And not completely out of place. There's drinking in here babe. I mean it's my list right?

See the Grand Canyon - Cliche but it's the truth. I've never seen a natural wonder. Not much in it for me. I'm interested in function not form. Factory shows relax me not sunsets. I play city builders for hours. The Grand Canyon though. Woo boy. I'd love to get right up on the edge of that thing. Lean back. Breathe in deeply. And then shoot a load across it. Gahhhhhhh

Drink Vintage Alcohol - My grandfathers both left old booze behind. Long story short. I drank them and got sick. So fear is not a factor. I don't want wine. There has to be some kind of rum buried on a beach somewhere or on a sunken ship that I can have. Pirate style. 

Drink Moonshine - White lightening. The real shit. I want to drink something that'll burn from my lips to my gut. And have me seeing stars from just one slug. 

Get drunk with my father - Kurt Vonnegut says we can't write about our father. He won't let us. So I won't. I'll just say this one is technically impossible. I wanted to visit a friend and get drunk with her father. Hijack him. Sit down. Have some drinks. I want to get drunk with a father like figure. Hear some good advice. Share stupid stories. It'll happen one day. 

Cook something outside - Could easily tie this into the previous one. I want to sit outside in a shitty chair and  fry a turkey or smoke some meat. Something that takes hours. Maybe light a cigar. 

Shoot a handgun - I've shot a gun before. Shotguns and rifles. Never a handgun though. See it all the time in movies and television. I just want to know what it's like. Maybe turn that shit sideways. 

Write something longer than 50 pages - A play, movie or book. Doesn't really matter. I've got ideas for them all. Doesn't matter if anybody else ever reads it either.

Drive cross country. I did this once North to South. It was a disaster. I'd like to try again. The classic way. East to West. I'd need a partner. Open to anybody. As long as they speak English and aren't too high strung.

Vegas - Ma'am where do the high school girls hang out in this town? I'm a guy. I'll end up here eventually.

Plant a tree - I've always wanted to plant an apple tree and eat an apple from it. Johnny Appleseed stories had a profound impact on me as a child.

War and Peace - To read this monster. I've read a thousand page book before but this is my white whale. Another reason? You can buy a used copy of War and Peace on Amazon right now for $0.01.  At 1472 pages it's a great time spent = money spent ratio.

Hunt a shark - Is this unethical? I don't know. I could make the most of it. I'd eat it I guess. And I'd definitely snort its ground up fins to make my dick hard.

Cruise - I want to go on a cruise. I wish I had more glamorous travel choices but I'm being honest. I want to eat food. Get drunk. Work out. Be crammed in a tiny room with my girlfriend. Play shuffleboard with old dudes.

Blues bar - Or a piano bar. I've never been to a bar where people are sitting around listening to music. Where does Woody Allen go? I live in New York this might be the easiest thing on the list.

Smoke a Cuban - What's his name? Oh stop. Nick Cannon is hilarious daddy. I smoke a cigar occasionally. Probably not enough to be able to tell the difference but who knows? I've had fresh mozzarella and it's a lot better than Polly-O.

Third and Long

I drank alone here one day. For hours. When you are at a bar alone interesting things happen. Especially when you have eyes as kind and big as mine. Windows to the soul right? What's my soul doing in there? Masturbating of course. What's wrong with him? Always masturbating. My soul is Conan's masturbating bear.

The day I was alone there was weird.

1. I walked in alone. They had double doors that I couldn't figure out. I'm always afraid I'll break things so I'm extra careful. Like I'm the Incredible Hulk or something. I'm so stupid. After I figured it out a bunch of guys at the bar laughed at me and were like "You got the hang of it now?" I said "Yeah thanks, fuck you guys." We're adults now you know? Nobody is going to tell your parents on you and it's not against the law to say fuck you to a stranger. Go for it. They laughed and bought me a shot.

2. One of the guys there had a dog. A big ass dog named Left Eye. Like after the TLC singer. The one married to Andre Rison. There is no way I'm putting a TLC video at the end of this post.

3. There was a woman alone there as well. A tourist from Toronto. She had bad teeth and was staying with her mom but I would have banged her. She was a music teacher and a hippy. Our conversation ended when she left in search of weed. She wanted me to help her but I'm already at a bar, Honey. It's clear what my substance choice is.

4. Now I'm actually alone. They don't have food here and I had a peanut butter sandwich in my bag. Wrapped in tinfoil. I asked the bartender and he let me eat it. Just sitting in an empty bar in silence eating a peanut butter sandwich. There are 8 million people in NYC. Sometimes though you are going to feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend.

Review stuff. No food. Dollar pizza slices a block away though. You can't go wrong eating dollar slices. I think they'll let you bring them in to the bar. If you can bring dogs and peanut butter sandwiches in how can they stop you from bringing in pizza?

It's a hockey bar. Might as well call it a Who Cares bar right? Who Cares Bears? Oh I like that. The mascot could be a completely disinterested Care Bear. Making dismissive hand wanking gestures about everything.

The bathroom is downstairs. I hate this. I understand the need to maximize your space in NYC but this seems dangerous to me. Also dangerous? No chair backs. This is not a safe place for drunk people. If you want to look like a hero though just walk around catching drunk girls falling off their chairs. Did you drop something miss? Like yourself? Off this chair?

Tuesday nights the beers are two dollars. I combined that with Third Floor Cafe's Tuesday deal this week and went out with a friend. It was an awesome time. I bought her a shot at the end of the night and I think it killed her. How many more people die from shots of booze than bullets? Right? None? Oh.

PROS
Cheap beer
Bring your own sandwiches

CONS
No chair backs
I like dogs but I leave Park Slope to get away from them in my bars

CONCLUSION: This is a good cheap place. Convenient location. Not cool in anyway but it's useful. I'll take a two dollar beer to the face anytime.

65/100

Buffalo Wild Wings

Recently I visited some friends in the DC area. Our plan was to go to a bar on Sunday afternoon to watch the football games. Something new for the blog. I've written about good places, bad places and secret places. This would be the first time I've gone to a place knowing ahead of time that I was going to write about it. Real professional writer type shit huh? Leaving the comfort zone of NY but Washington DC is a major city. Full of places that are cool or weird that I've never been to before. Cool, weird, never been to? We ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Buffalo Wild Wings is a chain sports bar with commercials that wildly exaggerate how good a time it is. The commercials are effective though since every time one opens there are long lines for weeks. One opened in my town back home before I moved. Now the town I'm from only has two bars. Both of which are terrifying places to be. So I was excited for Buffalo Wild Wings. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as the commercials but I expected it to be a good cheap sports bar with one giant projection screen. It wasn't so I moved an hour away.

Right off the bat you'll notice that screen from the commercials isn't there. Maybe it is at some Buffalo Wild Wings somewhere but there isn't one at any one I've been too. They'll have several large screens and plenty of TVs.  No giant projection screen though. The only place they'll have something like that is at Cowboy Stadium and if I ever end up there it's to burn the place down.

The prices aren't terrible. It's basically Applebee's with worse food and more televisions. Bars like that do have their place in the world. It's just a place where nothing else exists. Dust Bowl, Death Valley, Salt Flats, rural South. If I lived in a place like that I'd go there. However, I don't. So why would I? I'd rather go to a bar. Or drink in my apartment. Or if I have to go out I'd rather eat a Dave's Big and Juicy and crush a 30 rack in the parking lot of a Wendy's. Maybe shoot some fireworks. Make a drunk Facebook status about how unappreciated I am.

There really isn't much I can say about Buffalo Wild Wings that separates it from other similar chains. Their servers wear Buffalo Wild Wings sports jerseys. Raiders colors at the last one. Maybe for Al Davis. Did the Cryptkeeper eat at The Wings? If you told me regularly eating at Buffalo Wild Wings would allow me to live to be at least 82 years old I'd have to consider it. Ultimately I'd flip you the bird while eating a slice of pizza. "Fuhgeddaboudit." I'm ready to go now. Before Jose Reyes leaves the Mets and Arrested Development is ruined. I've already seen the movie where Jessica Biel gets naked. And what would that be another 100 years or something? I'm not doing the math. Fuck you, fuck Buffalo Wild Wings. Cryptkeeper you're cool. Fuck Al Davis.

PROS 
Many options for wing flavors. Including Salt and Vinegar.
Inexpensive
Light draft beers
Handicapped stall. It's like your own private bathroom.

CONS
I'm a snob.
The wings aren't really the secret to long living.
Jessica Biel was naked for 5 seconds and that movie was depressing as hell.

CONCLUSION
I think we can conclude I'm a bad person from this entry. In all seriousness though don't go here. If somebody has a gun to your head, well sometimes those things jam don't they? Take that risk. Unless you live in any of the above mentioned places. Then go, enjoy. Mangia. Try the honey BBQ. Honey BBQ is always good. Be well.

40/100

The Whiskey Brooklyn

It's a drinking blog so let's start with a drinking story. Or a drinking lesson. Story with a lesson. It's a parable baby. 

Recently I was at a wedding imbibing some mixed drinks when the bartender said to me "Please, tell me if it's too strong and I'll make you a new one." A greater insult I have not endured. Slap me with your little white glove and shoot me in the chest kind sir. Never question my strength or desire to drink my face off. I replied "What? No. Usually I'm what's too strong. So you tell me if I'm being too strong for you." The next drink I got from him was straight vodka. I ordered rum and cokes from a different bartender for the rest of the night, tail firmly between my legs and up my ass. Maybe one day I will have the bro power to chug that vodka in his face and yell "That all you got?!?!" Instead for now I'll have to learn from the experience. Be humble. Be appreciative. 

It was about a year ago that I went to Whiskey Brooklyn. It was cold and a little cloudy. A day similar to today. It was a little closer to Halloween though. Maybe the week before. I was alone. Early to meet a friend. I like going to bars first. Scope it out. Ask what the cheapest drink is. Try out a couple of seats. I was there alone for a few hours. Playing musical chairs by myself only takes about 20 minutes. It's not Madison Square Garden you know? There is a limited number of chairs to jump on and off. 

It's one of those "light or dark" beer places. I'm never impressed by bars that want to overwhelm you with choices. This is New York. You're never going to try all their beers. There's a million places to go. How many times do you go back to any one place? Unless you live right above it. I went with pitchers of the light while watching the Friday The 13th movies on the big television. It was great.  

Whiskey Brooklyn is dark. Low lights. This is what everyplace should be. If I wanted lots of light I'd go to my doctor's office to get drunk. He hates when I do that. 

They have hipster food. Fish tacos. Bacon stuff. Bacon is the sacred cow of the interwebs. I'm not a fan though. Go ahead and take away my internet. I don't dine on swine. 

There are games to play here. My mission was to get as drunk as possible while letting Jason Voorhees scare the shit out of me. I'd check out the games next time though. They are probably a lot of fun. 

Pickle backs. I don't know if this is where they originated. I just know this is where they are the most popular and what everybody talks about who has been here. They have spicy ones too. If you want to be manly get the spicy. Maybe you don't need it He-man. I just got punked by a wedding bartender though. Figure a month of spicy picklebacks is an adequate penance. 

I actually wrote notes for this bar after I left. The one thing I haven't covered is "great pisser." This must have been at the end of the night. Since I have absolutely no recollection of the bathroom. I'm very particular about public restrooms though so I'm sure it's a good spot. Let it fly. 

PROS

Locations. It's next to Brooklyn Brewery. 

Bacon. Not for me but it's for everybody else. Like normal relationships with opposite sex. 

Pickle backs. 

Good music. 

It's just cool. 

CONS

I'm sure it gets packed. 

CONCLUSIONS: This might be the best bar I've ever been to. And after being here awhile you can go next door to the Brewery. It's pathetic I've only done this once. I need to get out of Park Slope more often. 


90/100