Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I recently went three weeks without getting drunk. Longest stretch since before I turned 21. It was a dead period for this blog for sure but alcohol wasn't completely out of my life. I still slept next to a kegerator most nights. Had a random social drink here and there. And one night I found a bottle of champagne, cracked it open and shook sprayed it all over my bathroom like I just won the fucking World Series. You don't have to get wrecked to have fun.

Rudy's is located on 44th and 9th in Manhattan. It's a dive bar. Maybe the diviest dive bar. I'd say Whitehorse Tavern is shittier but Rudy's is cheaper. So much cheaper. $7 pitchers of whatever garbage that is the house beer and $2.50 pints.

Rudy's is most famously known for the Pig standing outside the bar. It's big and weird looking. I don't care for him. Some research shows that he's 6 feet tall and named Baron. If you high five him you are trying too hard to have fun. Just go inside and drink.

People who have seen Rudy's will talk about the Pig. But anybody who has been to Rudy's will take about the hot dogs. They are everywhere. Because they are free! Ah I know. There is also a Papaya Dog two blocks away. And a dollar slice pizza place next to that. Just no shortage of diarrhea fuel in Hell's Kitchen if we are together. Ladies call me.

The hots dogs come with ketchup or mustard. If it's busy they won't even ask you they'll just throw both on there. I didn't know this and had to give away my last one. Ketchup is for children. If you like ketchup on your hot dogs you should just wrap them in cotton candy when you eat them and shit in your diapers. I'm a man now. I've put childish things behind me. That's why I use mustard. It's brown and can give you that bitter beer face. If you cut him open Kurt Russell would bleed deli style mustard. You wouldn't live long enough to see it but that's what would come out.

I actually don't even like the taste of mustard. I just think that the more I eat it the more bad ass I become. It's like Bruce Wayne training with the League of Shadows to become Batman. You're not doing it to have a good time. If you did everything to have a good time nobody would ever stop drinking margaritas. Ever.

We're talking about manly stuff, drinking and hot dogs. How do we bring it all together? Here's an idea. Another recipe. Picklebacks are really popular right now. They are a shot. They taste a little funky. Get you drunk. And they're fun. You can do the same thing with hot dogs. I call it "a wiener back." Although I'm also entertaining the idea of "hot wiener" or "hot dick"

Shake or scrape some of the sweat off the dogs and put them in big squirt bottle. This will take a lot of work but Rudy's moves a ton of dogs. Keep it warm. Not hot but you don't want to let it get cold. What's grosser than cold hot dog juice am I right? You use a double shot glass. I don't want to cheat you on the alcohol here. Fill it half with the juice and half with tequila. Because they already use whiskey in picklebacks and I've already given a recipe for a vodka drink before.  Then float a little 151 on top and light it on fire. Showmanship.

One last thing on Rudy's. They have awesome booths. Beat up red leather with a red light hanging over head. It's like you are in a raunchy 70's strip club. People have been grinded right where you are sitting and it feels like it could happen to you at any moment. It won't. It's still fun though.

Somebody recently complained that I only go to shitty places. And that was before I came here. I like these places though. I don't want to pay a lot of money and I like free food and I like just hanging out. I don't want a meat market or a dancing time or any of that. I want to sit. And drink. And maybe completely dominate an awesome jukebox. Bet my friends in a game of pool. Even though I'm terrible at it. Maybe when I take a piss and I miss all over the place I don't feel obligated to clean it. That's nice too.