Monday, October 24, 2011

Third and Long

I drank alone here one day. For hours. When you are at a bar alone interesting things happen. Especially when you have eyes as kind and big as mine. Windows to the soul right? What's my soul doing in there? Masturbating of course. What's wrong with him? Always masturbating. My soul is Conan's masturbating bear.

The day I was alone there was weird.

1. I walked in alone. They had double doors that I couldn't figure out. I'm always afraid I'll break things so I'm extra careful. Like I'm the Incredible Hulk or something. I'm so stupid. After I figured it out a bunch of guys at the bar laughed at me and were like "You got the hang of it now?" I said "Yeah thanks, fuck you guys." We're adults now you know? Nobody is going to tell your parents on you and it's not against the law to say fuck you to a stranger. Go for it. They laughed and bought me a shot.

2. One of the guys there had a dog. A big ass dog named Left Eye. Like after the TLC singer. The one married to Andre Rison. There is no way I'm putting a TLC video at the end of this post.

3. There was a woman alone there as well. A tourist from Toronto. She had bad teeth and was staying with her mom but I would have banged her. She was a music teacher and a hippy. Our conversation ended when she left in search of weed. She wanted me to help her but I'm already at a bar, Honey. It's clear what my substance choice is.

4. Now I'm actually alone. They don't have food here and I had a peanut butter sandwich in my bag. Wrapped in tinfoil. I asked the bartender and he let me eat it. Just sitting in an empty bar in silence eating a peanut butter sandwich. There are 8 million people in NYC. Sometimes though you are going to feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend.

Review stuff. No food. Dollar pizza slices a block away though. You can't go wrong eating dollar slices. I think they'll let you bring them in to the bar. If you can bring dogs and peanut butter sandwiches in how can they stop you from bringing in pizza?

It's a hockey bar. Might as well call it a Who Cares bar right? Who Cares Bears? Oh I like that. The mascot could be a completely disinterested Care Bear. Making dismissive hand wanking gestures about everything.

The bathroom is downstairs. I hate this. I understand the need to maximize your space in NYC but this seems dangerous to me. Also dangerous? No chair backs. This is not a safe place for drunk people. If you want to look like a hero though just walk around catching drunk girls falling off their chairs. Did you drop something miss? Like yourself? Off this chair?

Tuesday nights the beers are two dollars. I combined that with Third Floor Cafe's Tuesday deal this week and went out with a friend. It was an awesome time. I bought her a shot at the end of the night and I think it killed her. How many more people die from shots of booze than bullets? Right? None? Oh.

Cheap beer
Bring your own sandwiches

No chair backs
I like dogs but I leave Park Slope to get away from them in my bars

CONCLUSION: This is a good cheap place. Convenient location. Not cool in anyway but it's useful. I'll take a two dollar beer to the face anytime.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Buffalo Wild Wings

Recently I visited some friends in the DC area. Our plan was to go to a bar on Sunday afternoon to watch the football games. Something new for the blog. I've written about good places, bad places and secret places. This would be the first time I've gone to a place knowing ahead of time that I was going to write about it. Real professional writer type shit huh? Leaving the comfort zone of NY but Washington DC is a major city. Full of places that are cool or weird that I've never been to before. Cool, weird, never been to? We ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Buffalo Wild Wings is a chain sports bar with commercials that wildly exaggerate how good a time it is. The commercials are effective though since every time one opens there are long lines for weeks. One opened in my town back home before I moved. Now the town I'm from only has two bars. Both of which are terrifying places to be. So I was excited for Buffalo Wild Wings. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as the commercials but I expected it to be a good cheap sports bar with one giant projection screen. It wasn't so I moved an hour away.

Right off the bat you'll notice that screen from the commercials isn't there. Maybe it is at some Buffalo Wild Wings somewhere but there isn't one at any one I've been too. They'll have several large screens and plenty of TVs.  No giant projection screen though. The only place they'll have something like that is at Cowboy Stadium and if I ever end up there it's to burn the place down.

The prices aren't terrible. It's basically Applebee's with worse food and more televisions. Bars like that do have their place in the world. It's just a place where nothing else exists. Dust Bowl, Death Valley, Salt Flats, rural South. If I lived in a place like that I'd go there. However, I don't. So why would I? I'd rather go to a bar. Or drink in my apartment. Or if I have to go out I'd rather eat a Dave's Big and Juicy and crush a 30 rack in the parking lot of a Wendy's. Maybe shoot some fireworks. Make a drunk Facebook status about how unappreciated I am.

There really isn't much I can say about Buffalo Wild Wings that separates it from other similar chains. Their servers wear Buffalo Wild Wings sports jerseys. Raiders colors at the last one. Maybe for Al Davis. Did the Cryptkeeper eat at The Wings? If you told me regularly eating at Buffalo Wild Wings would allow me to live to be at least 82 years old I'd have to consider it. Ultimately I'd flip you the bird while eating a slice of pizza. "Fuhgeddaboudit." I'm ready to go now. Before Jose Reyes leaves the Mets and Arrested Development is ruined. I've already seen the movie where Jessica Biel gets naked. And what would that be another 100 years or something? I'm not doing the math. Fuck you, fuck Buffalo Wild Wings. Cryptkeeper you're cool. Fuck Al Davis.

Many options for wing flavors. Including Salt and Vinegar.
Light draft beers
Handicapped stall. It's like your own private bathroom.

I'm a snob.
The wings aren't really the secret to long living.
Jessica Biel was naked for 5 seconds and that movie was depressing as hell.

I think we can conclude I'm a bad person from this entry. In all seriousness though don't go here. If somebody has a gun to your head, well sometimes those things jam don't they? Take that risk. Unless you live in any of the above mentioned places. Then go, enjoy. Mangia. Try the honey BBQ. Honey BBQ is always good. Be well.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Whiskey Brooklyn

It's a drinking blog so let's start with a drinking story. Or a drinking lesson. Story with a lesson. It's a parable baby. 

Recently I was at a wedding imbibing some mixed drinks when the bartender said to me "Please, tell me if it's too strong and I'll make you a new one." A greater insult I have not endured. Slap me with your little white glove and shoot me in the chest kind sir. Never question my strength or desire to drink my face off. I replied "What? No. Usually I'm what's too strong. So you tell me if I'm being too strong for you." The next drink I got from him was straight vodka. I ordered rum and cokes from a different bartender for the rest of the night, tail firmly between my legs and up my ass. Maybe one day I will have the bro power to chug that vodka in his face and yell "That all you got?!?!" Instead for now I'll have to learn from the experience. Be humble. Be appreciative. 

It was about a year ago that I went to Whiskey Brooklyn. It was cold and a little cloudy. A day similar to today. It was a little closer to Halloween though. Maybe the week before. I was alone. Early to meet a friend. I like going to bars first. Scope it out. Ask what the cheapest drink is. Try out a couple of seats. I was there alone for a few hours. Playing musical chairs by myself only takes about 20 minutes. It's not Madison Square Garden you know? There is a limited number of chairs to jump on and off. 

It's one of those "light or dark" beer places. I'm never impressed by bars that want to overwhelm you with choices. This is New York. You're never going to try all their beers. There's a million places to go. How many times do you go back to any one place? Unless you live right above it. I went with pitchers of the light while watching the Friday The 13th movies on the big television. It was great.  

Whiskey Brooklyn is dark. Low lights. This is what everyplace should be. If I wanted lots of light I'd go to my doctor's office to get drunk. He hates when I do that. 

They have hipster food. Fish tacos. Bacon stuff. Bacon is the sacred cow of the interwebs. I'm not a fan though. Go ahead and take away my internet. I don't dine on swine. 

There are games to play here. My mission was to get as drunk as possible while letting Jason Voorhees scare the shit out of me. I'd check out the games next time though. They are probably a lot of fun. 

Pickle backs. I don't know if this is where they originated. I just know this is where they are the most popular and what everybody talks about who has been here. They have spicy ones too. If you want to be manly get the spicy. Maybe you don't need it He-man. I just got punked by a wedding bartender though. Figure a month of spicy picklebacks is an adequate penance. 

I actually wrote notes for this bar after I left. The one thing I haven't covered is "great pisser." This must have been at the end of the night. Since I have absolutely no recollection of the bathroom. I'm very particular about public restrooms though so I'm sure it's a good spot. Let it fly. 

Locations. It's next to Brooklyn Brewery. 
Bacon. Not for me but it's for everybody else. Like normal relationships with opposite sex. 
Pickle backs. 
Good music. 
It's just cool. 

I'm sure it gets packed. 

CONCLUSIONS: This might be the best bar I've ever been to. And after being here awhile you can go next door to the Brewery. It's pathetic I've only done this once. I need to get out of Park Slope more often.