Friday, June 15, 2012

The Frying Pan



We can't talk about a big boat like this without acknowledging the elephant in the room. Or in my mind. Pirates. Before zombies were vampires they were pirates. Briefly they were werewolves too. But werewolves were a brief comet flashing across a supernatural fad creature sky. What's next? Plain ghosts. Don't tell me they aren't sexy enough. I watched one give Dan Ackroyd a blowjob in Ghostbusters. If you don't find Ray Zalinksy's getting ghost head sexy then I can't help you. 

But pirates. (phrasing?) Pirates were always my favorite. I'm too big and hairy and drunk to be a vampire. A vampire doesn't drop his keys 3 times while trying to get into his shitty studio apartment. Then stumble and fall into his only lamp. I'm not graceful or mysterious. I don't find Sookie attractive. At all. And look at these eye lashes. My god. If you gave my Jack Sparrow's makeup I'd look downright Cleopatraish. I'm the last Pirate Pharaoh of Egypt. 


Drinking in a boat docked on the west side of Manhattan could be the first step to Piratehood. You've got to find your sea legs somewhere. Do it docked with buckets of Coronas and some serious people watching. Where do the girls find these clothes anyway? The See Through section in the Stripper Store? Sheer R' Us? What is the thought process behind the outfit? Are their parents dead? Or just wishing they were dead? No, not you honey. You look great. I'm a pirate and you're a hooker. We're meant to be together. 


I'm off track here. Breaking records for rhetorical questions. The Frying Pan.
It's cool. Drinking outside is fun and drinking on a boat is a unique experience in NYC. You can feel the waves rocking you. At one point when I was there a big wave hit the side. (bow? stern? boat words!) and a bunch of people got soaked. Somebody told me it was a whale and I actually believed it. That's how out of your element you are drinking here. You can believe things like whales in the Hudson River. Jumping out of the water and landing on 26th street. Singing like the WB frog. 


It's not cheap unlike almost every other place reviewed here. Bucket of Coronas for $37 is the best deal you can find. It's over $6 a beer. By comparison the bar I can most frequently be found in, Rudy's, is $2.50 a beer. It's not a waste though. It's worth it. Location, location, location. 



85/100



Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Continental


5 shots for $10. 5 shots for $10. 5 shots for $10. 
Wooooo. That's what is important here. Don't come for food. They don't have any. Don't come for good service. They don't have any of that either. Don't come for a well decorated room. You're not going to feel at home and you're not in for a magical evening. There are thousands of other bars for that stuff.  Come here to get drunk. 

I always thought of Continental as a classic New York bar. It's on Third and St. Marks. It's grimy. Cheap as hell. It just always felt, to me, like a throwback to what New York used to be. The New York that scared the fucking shit out of me when my dad used to drag us in to the city as kids.  That's the romanticized New York you hear so many old timers talk about. I thought Continental was a peek into that. Like a drunker less scene CBGBs. 

However, I don't know for a fact if Continental has anything to do with a previous era of NYC. It could have opened in 2004 and been made to look shitty. For saps who come in and tell their friends "Oh man I heard Joey Ramone shot heroin into David Byrne's dick here."

Why do I even have any interest in that New York? I'm not cool. I don't own any leather. I definitely don't want to rape anybody. And I don't do drugs. Unless my friends are making me. I'm not a chicken or a turkey okay? 

To be honest my window into the glory of a more grimy city...is the Ninja Turtles movie! Oh man. The sewers. Old taxis. Pizza. The smoke rising from the streets. What is that? Street fog? It's like fucking Scorsese directed it. De Niro era New York ended with the Ninja Turtle movie. I guess because it peaked so hard. I love it and that's how I get into it. Truly. 

So I researched Continental to find the year it opened. Sadly I saw a lot of really negative comments, reviews and a consistent history of alleged racism at the door. Aziz Ansari has a bit about South Carolina being racist but still liking it because it has good food. Well I don't like biscuits.  I think they're terrible. I do like getting drunk though. Love it. 

They won't give you water for free. Smart because they are mostly dealing with dirt bags like me. You can usually get a beer for a couple of dollars though. 

There is an okay jukebox. The website says it's the best jukebox in the world. Lunacy. Average at best. It's better than no jukebox at all though. The website also says Iggy Pop drank here. Maybe he should be in the jukebox then? I'm not sure if he was. 



60/100

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Porters On the Lane

Bellport. 


As you leave the boroughs and keep going east population density drops. Which is nice at first. Population density goes down as comfort goes up. You order drinks without waiting. And they are cheaper. You take a piss and the toilet isn't kicked to a million pieces and covered in shit. 

Less people = less assholes.  But no people = post apocalyptic waste land.


You keep going east and that comfort line goes up. But then it stops suddenly. Its makes a tear filled apology and swan dives from its great height. Oh comfort line. Why?
Because we are in the sticks now. 


We don't scare easy though. Built Ford tough. American made. A drunk, grinning tornado of a pirate. If you want to find us, follow the trail. We drag our big dicks on the ground like a dinosaur tail. We invented pussy flavored chewing tobacco. And if we met Jason Vorhees we wouldn't run for the door or up the stairs. We'd stick that mask up his ass and whatever didn't fit is going in his dickhole. 


So we're not babies. We still get scared out east though. Nighttime. Nobody is here. Bat country. Does a tumbleweed still tumble if there is nobody around to see it? No zombies. They've moved on in search of brains. Go west, young Zombie. Go west. 


Why was I there? Why do men do anything? Women. We sails oceans for women. Fight wars. Go to the moon. Go to Bellport. 


The bar is an old house. I used to live in an old house. So I know a thing or two about getting drunk in them. Lesson 1. Pee outside. That's exactly what you do. Parking lot. Like you're at Giants stadium finishing up at the tailgate. 


Saturdays they have live music. It's one guy. Acoustic I guess. I think he played Tom Petty. I know he played Brown Eyed Girl. I tried hating on him and then he played a song I really liked. Unfortunately I can't remember because I was drunk. Hunter S. Thompson used to carry a tape recorder. So did Tucker Max though. 


I know it was a big house but I really just hung around the bar. They had pickle backs which was a nice surprise. Although negated by the beers costing $6. The bar tenders were too (caught this but leaving it. they were two and too) Italian looking guys. One tall and thin, the other shorter and stocky. They would be fantastic as the Mario Brothers for Halloween. Or just everyday. Its a me! Bellport Mario!


They are supposed to have good food. Assume fish stuff since we're not far from the water. Kitchen closes before 10 so I've never had the chance to eat. 


They have a dice game. You are permitted one roll a day. Dollar a roll. I think it was 5 dice and you have to roll the same number on all of them. If you succeed you take the pool. Fun little bar game. 


It was a good place. Comfortable. Dice game is a great idea. The music was good. 


70/100















Monday, March 5, 2012

Reunion Surf Bar

Hey broseph. I love weird places. Like a surf bar in the middle of Manhattan. Down a dark gnarly flight of stairs and the side door of an office building. I came here alone the first time and to be completely honest it was only because I was hoping it was a trap and somebody would be waiting to murder me. Lol dudes! But seriously it's how I end all of my bad days.


Guess what bro? I didn't get murdered. Sweet. It was a Tuesday and they had a taco deal. One decent size taco for $3. They had another deal too. $3 tequila shots. I went with a friend and we were hanging ten of these...in our mouths? Was that forced? I don't know. Point is you come here on a Tuesday and surf's up, you're fucking drunk. 


They have two TV's. One with typical local sports and the other with a looped video of surf scenics and dancing island girls. I don't know. I don't pay attention to that sort of thing. What am I 13? Hiding the swimsuit edition under my mattress? I'm a grown man. If I'm going to scope out babes on a TV like a crusty perv it's going to be hardcore porn. And I'm going to masturbate with my hand into a Tommy Bahama shirt. Gahhhhhh. Mahalo broseph. I really needed that. 


Music. It seems like there would be surf music right? For the life of me I can't remember. I was having such a good time drinking waves of tequila and busting some taco grindage that I didn't even notice the music. Also, I have surf music permanently playing in my brain. Like a Tarantino movie. 


They have one of those giant fish bowls of alcohol here and I'm stoked to come back and get it. $45 and it says it's for 6 people. But I'm not afraid to take it alone. I'm like one of those big wave surfers. I've never seen a drink I'm going to back down from. Tie me to a jet ski, tow me out there and let the big dog eat. Or drink. 


On the menu there is a sandwich with fries in it. Which immediately reminds me of Primanti Brothers in the least surfer dudetastic city in America. Pittsburgh. Hopefully they remove it from the menu soon because all that Pittburghy stuff really harshes my buzz while I'm here. 


Some of the seating is communal tables which are fine. Whatever. They are just a little awkward if you start arm wrestling. Which I did. Over The Top style. Just once but it was intense. Initially I got shocked and was like "Whoa Big Kahuna ease up." So I gave a lot of ground up off the get go but I hung in there. Waiting for the right time to come back. Straining against the final push to put me down. Then I dug deep. Finding the Rainbow Warrior within. And I beat that small girl with authority. Boom! She was so strong dudes. But I'll take on all challengers. Provided they are female. And not a professional athlete or something. And under I don't know. 135 pounds. And not angry. Cause you know how people can have that angry strength? So I'll take on all female, non athlete, under 135lb challengers who are in a calm state. 




80/100



















Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Rudy's

I recently went three weeks without getting drunk. Longest stretch since before I turned 21. It was a dead period for this blog for sure but alcohol wasn't completely out of my life. I still slept next to a kegerator most nights. Had a random social drink here and there. And one night I found a bottle of champagne, cracked it open and shook sprayed it all over my bathroom like I just won the fucking World Series. You don't have to get wrecked to have fun.

Rudy's is located on 44th and 9th in Manhattan. It's a dive bar. Maybe the diviest dive bar. I'd say Whitehorse Tavern is shittier but Rudy's is cheaper. So much cheaper. $7 pitchers of whatever garbage that is the house beer and $2.50 pints.

Rudy's is most famously known for the Pig standing outside the bar. It's big and weird looking. I don't care for him. Some research shows that he's 6 feet tall and named Baron. If you high five him you are trying too hard to have fun. Just go inside and drink.

People who have seen Rudy's will talk about the Pig. But anybody who has been to Rudy's will take about the hot dogs. They are everywhere. Because they are free! Ah I know. There is also a Papaya Dog two blocks away. And a dollar slice pizza place next to that. Just no shortage of diarrhea fuel in Hell's Kitchen if we are together. Ladies call me.

The hots dogs come with ketchup or mustard. If it's busy they won't even ask you they'll just throw both on there. I didn't know this and had to give away my last one. Ketchup is for children. If you like ketchup on your hot dogs you should just wrap them in cotton candy when you eat them and shit in your diapers. I'm a man now. I've put childish things behind me. That's why I use mustard. It's brown and can give you that bitter beer face. If you cut him open Kurt Russell would bleed deli style mustard. You wouldn't live long enough to see it but that's what would come out.

I actually don't even like the taste of mustard. I just think that the more I eat it the more bad ass I become. It's like Bruce Wayne training with the League of Shadows to become Batman. You're not doing it to have a good time. If you did everything to have a good time nobody would ever stop drinking margaritas. Ever.


We're talking about manly stuff, drinking and hot dogs. How do we bring it all together? Here's an idea. Another recipe. Picklebacks are really popular right now. They are a shot. They taste a little funky. Get you drunk. And they're fun. You can do the same thing with hot dogs. I call it "a wiener back." Although I'm also entertaining the idea of "hot wiener" or "hot dick"

Shake or scrape some of the sweat off the dogs and put them in big squirt bottle. This will take a lot of work but Rudy's moves a ton of dogs. Keep it warm. Not hot but you don't want to let it get cold. What's grosser than cold hot dog juice am I right? You use a double shot glass. I don't want to cheat you on the alcohol here. Fill it half with the juice and half with tequila. Because they already use whiskey in picklebacks and I've already given a recipe for a vodka drink before.  Then float a little 151 on top and light it on fire. Showmanship.

One last thing on Rudy's. They have awesome booths. Beat up red leather with a red light hanging over head. It's like you are in a raunchy 70's strip club. People have been grinded right where you are sitting and it feels like it could happen to you at any moment. It won't. It's still fun though.

Somebody recently complained that I only go to shitty places. And that was before I came here. I like these places though. I don't want to pay a lot of money and I like free food and I like just hanging out. I don't want a meat market or a dancing time or any of that. I want to sit. And drink. And maybe completely dominate an awesome jukebox. Bet my friends in a game of pool. Even though I'm terrible at it. Maybe when I take a piss and I miss all over the place I don't feel obligated to clean it. That's nice too.

100/100



Friday, January 6, 2012

200 Fifth

This bar is technically in Park Slope. The northern end. But it’s Park Slope. I know. Can you believe this guy comes back after a month and tries passing this off? Here’s a secret to Park Slope and any other place though. You can escape without going anywhere. Alice went down the rabbit hole but she didn’t really go anywhere. Or how about this… in every desert there is an oasis. Actually I don’t know about that. That could be dangerous advice so don’t quote me on it. Everything I know about deserts I learned from the Matthew McConaughey movie Sahara. So I suspect in every desert there is a Confederate gunship buried in the sand. 


It's one of my favorite bars in the neighborhood. There is a bus stop right in front so it’s easy to get to. Some people fear the buses or are too snobbish to go near them. I ride them all the time. And the buses in Park Slope actually run the same routes that the old Brooklyn trolley cars used to. So if you’re normally too snobbish to get your annoying ass on a bus maybe this will give it enough cool cred for you. I don’t know. It might be hopeless.  


There are loads of TVs here. Everybody I’ve ever brought has mentioned that. It would be a great place to watch football on Sundays. My favorite thing about the TVs is when they are all turned on to the same thing. I watched the Rangers knock the Yankees out of the playoffs on a hundred TVs all lined up next to each other. It was like a 100 dreams coming true at once. 


 They have beer towers. Every time I drink from a beer tower I break down the price by ounces and see if it actually makes sense to order them. Then I get too drunk to remember the answer. Maybe that’s the point. They are fun though. You slap a spigot on something it’s going to be fun. Even the word is fun. Spigot.


 Food. It’s well known that I’m a real cheap ass when it comes to what I eat. I’ve had food poisoning double digit times and would eat braised dog meat over kobe beef if I could save a few bucks. It doesn’t mean I like that though. Believe me I appreciate good food. I love good food. This place has good food. It’s classic American bar food but not cheap and shitty. It’s a little fancier. Like the fries are truffle fries with crumbled bleu cheese. I’m never going to come here and not order food. 


On the weekends they have a brunch. More awesome food and then the brunch special. All you can drink champagne for $11 dollars. This is tough when you’re nursing a hangover. So you’ll have to go to bed sober the night before. 


 The two times I’ve done brunch things got crazy. The first time was the day of the Super Bowl. I ended up crushing beer towers after brunch was over. I got so drunk I blacked out and missed the first half. I came to just in time to see the Black Eyed Peas perform.


 The second time I went I walked out into the middle of a street fair that I didn’t know was going on. It was fantastic. There was a parade for the end of the world and I bought a pair of sunglasses for 5 bucks. If this is really it I want to look stylish. 


75/100