Third and Long

I drank alone here one day. For hours. When you are at a bar alone interesting things happen. Especially when you have eyes as kind and big as mine. Windows to the soul right? What's my soul doing in there? Masturbating of course. What's wrong with him? Always masturbating. My soul is Conan's masturbating bear.

The day I was alone there was weird.

1. I walked in alone. They had double doors that I couldn't figure out. I'm always afraid I'll break things so I'm extra careful. Like I'm the Incredible Hulk or something. I'm so stupid. After I figured it out a bunch of guys at the bar laughed at me and were like "You got the hang of it now?" I said "Yeah thanks, fuck you guys." We're adults now you know? Nobody is going to tell your parents on you and it's not against the law to say fuck you to a stranger. Go for it. They laughed and bought me a shot.

2. One of the guys there had a dog. A big ass dog named Left Eye. Like after the TLC singer. The one married to Andre Rison. There is no way I'm putting a TLC video at the end of this post.

3. There was a woman alone there as well. A tourist from Toronto. She had bad teeth and was staying with her mom but I would have banged her. She was a music teacher and a hippy. Our conversation ended when she left in search of weed. She wanted me to help her but I'm already at a bar, Honey. It's clear what my substance choice is.

4. Now I'm actually alone. They don't have food here and I had a peanut butter sandwich in my bag. Wrapped in tinfoil. I asked the bartender and he let me eat it. Just sitting in an empty bar in silence eating a peanut butter sandwich. There are 8 million people in NYC. Sometimes though you are going to feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend.

Review stuff. No food. Dollar pizza slices a block away though. You can't go wrong eating dollar slices. I think they'll let you bring them in to the bar. If you can bring dogs and peanut butter sandwiches in how can they stop you from bringing in pizza?

It's a hockey bar. Might as well call it a Who Cares bar right? Who Cares Bears? Oh I like that. The mascot could be a completely disinterested Care Bear. Making dismissive hand wanking gestures about everything.

The bathroom is downstairs. I hate this. I understand the need to maximize your space in NYC but this seems dangerous to me. Also dangerous? No chair backs. This is not a safe place for drunk people. If you want to look like a hero though just walk around catching drunk girls falling off their chairs. Did you drop something miss? Like yourself? Off this chair?

Tuesday nights the beers are two dollars. I combined that with Third Floor Cafe's Tuesday deal this week and went out with a friend. It was an awesome time. I bought her a shot at the end of the night and I think it killed her. How many more people die from shots of booze than bullets? Right? None? Oh.

PROS
Cheap beer
Bring your own sandwiches

CONS
No chair backs
I like dogs but I leave Park Slope to get away from them in my bars

CONCLUSION: This is a good cheap place. Convenient location. Not cool in anyway but it's useful. I'll take a two dollar beer to the face anytime.

65/100