Monday, September 5, 2011

Lincoln Park Grill

The first drunk entry. It was highly requested but it didn’t have to be. It’s a day that was coming. The sun will rise in the east. The Yankees will have the highest payroll. And I will be drunk again one day. Here it is. I wish there could be some awesome drunk story behind it. But I just went to brunch. That’s it. Bloody Mary’s. Beer from my keg and here we are. It won’t be much different from a regular entry. Except that I’ll be playing Bruce Springsteen or Nighthawks at the Diner on my laptop the entire time. And I’ll race off point to some distant place, Farofftopica. 

This is a drinking blog so I’d like to talk about Bloody Marys quickly. I don’t like them. I don’t really like any breakfast drink. I like shots and beers and rum and diets. And orange vodka with Sprite. Gun to the head I’d take a Jack and Coke too. And I’ve finished other people’s gin and tonics. If we’re at a Mexican place I’ll take a margarita I guess. Rocks. Slushees are for girls. Point? Well none of them are breakfast drinks. Unless you’re my Uncle Vito. Who won’t be reading this. Because he’s Italian. And dead. Dead men tell no tales. Or read Escape From Park Slope.

Bloody Marys would be preferably to Mimosas . As long as they are spicy and aren’t too thick. Rich Gage told me horseradish thickens it up. Which sucks because I like horseradish. Horseradish fact. A lot of Sushi places use horseradish and green food coloring instead of real wasabi. Wasabi costs $100 per pound. So I guess a good Bloody Mary for me will have more pepper in it. Bloody Mary is one of the only things I can taste pepper in. I have a weak palette. My tongue is dead. It doesn’t read Escape From Park Slope.

Lincoln Park Grill is located on 57th and 9th Avenue. It doesn’t have much competition from other bars. Anything else nearby is either classier or a disgrace to the New York bar scene. (cough, cough Jake’s Saloon) I’ve been laid off twice and ended up here. The first time I went alone and literally cried in my beers all night while some models tried cheering me up. Like actual models. Giant, skinny, beautiful women in town for Fashion Week. Only in New York right? And only in New York would somebody who looks like me say “No, giant beautiful women. Please leave me alone.”   

The second time I got laid off and ended up there I had an “I Got Fired” party. It was a Facebook event. They ended up firing me a day earlier than scheduled though. So I had to go back in to where I work the next day to go to the “I got fired” party I had set up for myself.

Now you know why I was there. What I found was pretty cool. $5 pizzas.  Do you love pizza? Any pizza? I enjoy even the shittiest pizzas. I go to Chinese Buffets and eat the pizza. So I don’t know if you’ll like this pizza. I enjoy it though. It’s big and at $5 it’s one of the best food deals I’ve seen in the city. $3 PBR tall boys. PBR was just the cheap shitty beer for awhile. Then it became the ironic hipster beer. Then Budweiser kind of became the ironic hipster beer. But PBR hasn’t fully gone back to the shit beer list. It still has some cool cred. So drink it. Don’t feel bad.

They have a good happy hour. I remember always getting pitchers. So they had to be $10 or under. I also remember they don’t have a ramp and it’s down some stairs. So they have a handicap elevator. It’s incredibly loud. Not babies in Park Slope loud. It’s loud though.  So if you’re handicapped and don’t want every drunk out of work loser who is rudely ignoring the models all around him staring at you while they lower you into the bar on what is basically a forklift don’t come here. It’s a big city. Just don’t go to Jake’s either.

$5 dollar whole pizzas
Good nachos
Cheap drinks
Nice televisions

Attractive women will try to talk to you
Poorly designed for the handicapped
Terrible service. Makes me long for the future where robots are bartender.

CONCLUSION: It’s cheap so that’s cool. It kind of sucks but I’d come here just for the pizza. I have pretty terrible memories of this place so I’ll be avoiding for awhile. 


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