Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Miller's Place

I really wanted the first place I picked to be special. Instead I just went with Miller's Place. A dive bar of sorts that doesn't even exist anymore. It's the bar that I spent the most time in. I had friends that worked there. It's my home court. Or was my home court. You can't go home again. I'm about to get seriously wistful here.

Located near the Massapequa Park train station it was the rare Long Island bar you didn't have to drive to. It was a quick walk across the empty commuter parking lot past a couple of other local bars. The bar ran along the wall to the left and it started right by the door.  There was also darts in the front. Shouldn't bars have darts or a pool table? I'm not really going to play either. I'm useless on a pool table and the only thing I can effectively throw while drunk is a hissy fit. An epic drunk hissy fit.

Miller's stools were bar height full backed chairs which I like. I want to be comfortable at a bar. I'm going to be there awhile. The menu was pretty typical but the cooks did a good job. Easily the best mozzarella sticks I've ever had.  They had Reuben potato skins which were pretty interesting. I think it was pastrami, sauerkraut and Russian dressing under mozzarella on a potato skin. They had a skirt steak too. I don't know. Pretty basic but it tasted good. In Park Slope everything's got to be an ethnic delicacy. Or a cheeseburger place. What's with all the god damn cheeseburger places around here? Let me count them off for you. Cheeburger. Five Guys. Corner Burger. Flipsters. And coming soon Bare Burger. Do we really need 5 burger places in Park Slope? Who eats all these burgers? Show yourself! I know I just slammed ethnic delicacies and fancy food but who lives in Park Slope to end up at a fucking CHEEBURGER?!?

My Park Slope induced anger has knocked the wistfulness out of me. So let's get back on track. Miller's had some cheap booze. Real cheap. Almost free cheap. There was a beer pong table which I rarely won at and a jukebox that I frequently dominated.

If you've been out drinking with me you've seen me dominate a jukebox. Most likely you've also seen me play a song that makes the whole place groan. The time I did it at Miller's I played a Cat Stevens song. Somebody screamed out "This sounds like some shit my mother would play!" and then the owner came over and unplugged the machine.

One last thing. The girls that worked there were hot. Most girls working at bars are hot. But the girls here were spectacularly hot. There was a girl named Elyse who I would chop down the last rain forest and kill the last unicorn to drink the bath water of. She told me she liked my glasses once and my erection grew so fast I wasn't sure which would burst first the fly of my jeans or my cock. It was 3 whole minutes before I realized that I hadn't said anything back but was red faced and tightly grasping the edge of the bar. I'm pretty sure I fainted right off my chair into a pool of water. Like when Mickey gets knocked out in Snatch.  

Free drinks
Train access
Darts/beer pong
Cool owner
Reuben skins
Victoria's Secret Angels who worked there
Free drinks

Anti - Cat Stevens establishment
Bathroom (Pete always took a shit here. Like his personal shitting room)
Reuben skins. (Live fast. Die young. Less cool when applied to food.)

CONCLUSION: Oh Miller's. Like the deserts miss the rain. It really set the bar. (bad pun or the worst pun?) It was my Cheer's. Only with more fighting. And I want to have sex with Carla.  It's gone but it'll be the bar I compare all other bars to for a long time.



  1. Cool? Did you call the owner cool? That guy was a weasel. A clueless buffoon who had no idea how to run a business. Admit that you only liked him because you drank for free.

  2. I played on a men's league baseball team and Miller's Place sponsored us. Post game $20 for lunch and all you can drink - I played with a bunch of cops so they were cool to drive home smashed afterwards.

  3. That's cool Dave. I knew a bunch of guys from the basketball team they sponsored, didn't know there was a baseball team. Did you ever eat the mozzarella sticks?